How to House Train Your Dragon
by avatarmirai
Summary: When the clumsiest Viking and most powerful dragon are paired together, accidents of all types are bound to happen, including those of the toilet variety. By the end, Hiccup is in desperate need of a change of clothes. One-shot.


It is a well-known fact that dragons are extremely territorial, and in the village of Berk even the most domesticated and obedient ones could not be coaxed into doing their...business somewhere else. Toothless, overprotective of his young charge as he was, not only took to marking a twenty-foot radius around the house, but peeing right on the front door. If the dragon was up to it, he would leave a lovingly made present as well, much to the anger and humiliation of Stoick, who didn't like presents that were brown, smelly, and squished underfoot. Needless to say, Toothless was a generous gift-giver.

Hiccup snapped out of his mid-flight reverie when he sensed a sudden change in Toothless; the Night Fury let a snarl escape his scaly lips as they flew over the village, evidently seeing something Hiccup couldn't, and with a powerful beat of his wings shot towards the house. Hiccup's heart sank when he saw that a trio of Terrible Terrors had breached Toothless's invisible barrier, clawing and nipping at the small vegetable patch that the young Viking tended to. "Oh great," he muttered in annoyance at the sight of the ruined, weeping onions, but the sound was jerked from him as Toothless landed more forcefully than was needed, Hiccup's head nearly meeting the saddle.

"Woah there, buddy! Here, let me just—woah!" Hiccup quickly unhooked himself from the trembling saddle, and as soon as he was free the furious dragon shrugged his rider off his shoulders and vaulted at the Terrible Terrors with lightning speed.

"Wait, Toothless!" Hiccup's sudden loss of support sent him wobbling on his prosthetic leg then landing on his rump. Toothless, blinded by bloodlust, did not hear his rider's pleas, and with a powerful swing of his tail swatted the invaders like flies, eliciting screeches from the tiny Terrors and scattering them into the air. They gave a squawk of protest before quickly flying off, their attacker snapping his teeth violently at them. By luck he managed to grab a Terror by the tail with his powerful jaw and, like a Viking with bolas, swung the poor creature in a dizzying circle before releasing it, it's cries growing fainter as it was launched over the hill.

Toothless sniffed at the vegetable patch, surveying the damage. He gave a displeased sort of grunt and, before his rider could steady himself on his mismatched feet to realize what was happening, lifted a scaly leg and allowed a stream of yellow liquid to rain upon the unfortunate vegetables.

Dinner was going to taste wonderful tonight for the Haddock men.

Hiccup had finally balanced himself on his feet and was brushing the dirt off of the seat of his pants. "Toothless, it's not fair for you to bully smaller dragons like that," he said in a breathless voice, looking over at his friend. "When are you gonna learn to—HEY! Stop that!"

Toothless, of course, didn't stop that, so Hiccup hobbled over and dug his shoulder into the dragon's body, hoping to somewhat redirect the stream, but a hundred pounds of measly human flesh was no match for a ton of tough dragon muscle.

"Come on, will you _move?_ Ugh, I spent weeks on this...move, you silly beast!" Toothless butted the boy gently away with his head, trying to communicate his protective need to do this. Hiccup stepped back and groaned in defeat, bizarrely marveling that Toothless managed to hold in so much for so long. Could this get any worse?

"Son? What is going on?" Stoick the Vast stepped out of the house, looking to investigate the source of commotion that was interrupting his daily weapons polishing. Grasped in his large fist was a shiny, sharpened ax, perfect for beheading dragons, not that the tradition was practiced anymore. Much.

Hiccup paled. Arguments between Toothless and his dad tended to end viciously, and he didn't want to know what would happen with such a deadly weapon on hand.

"Oh, um, it's nothing dad, Toothless and I were just—" He stepped in front of his father and waved his arms as a distraction, but Stoick's impressive mass towered over his fishbone of a son, allowing the chief a clear view of the draconic criminal. The said criminal finally finished his business, and, unlike most criminals, took pride in leaving the evidence of his villainy in plain view. There was a frighteningly quiet moment when Stoick clenched his jaw and glowered at his son and dragon.

Then came the explosion.

"It's been three weeks, Hiccup. Three weeks! I have tolerated him long enough. I would have expected you to train this dragon by now—" (Hiccup's heart rose marginally that his father now had expectations from him) "—and if happens one more time, the beast is going to sleep away from here. In the _barn_," he finished threateningly.

"I'm sorry, but I can't stop him," Hiccup protested while his brain grasped for an excuse that he hadn't yet used. It was difficult when the axe head was close enough for him to see his reflection in it. "It's probably, um...mating season, you know? All the dragons seem pretty jumpy right at the moment, and it's kind of an important time for them to start marking their territory."

"That's not an excuse!" his father roared, his fisted hand swiping through the air. "I thought our food problem would be over when the dragon raids ended, but I see from you and that beast that it's not true!"

Hiccup rolled his shoulders back uncomfortably. "Leave it to the dragons to always disturb the most sacred of Viking altars," he muttered under his breath.

"What?"

"N-nothing, dad."

Stoick rounded on the dragon. "And as for you—"

Toothless lifted his nose in typical Night Fury fashion, but his air was not not smug, rather, it was reminiscent of a hunter sniffing out his enemy, testing how far he could close in before he attacked. Hiccup quickly put a hand on the dragon's head.

"—I see the only way to settle this is as _males_."

Stoick drew himself up to full height, shrugging back his coat to reveal muscled, trunk-like arms. The Night Fury didn't leap under Hiccup's restraining hand as the chief approached, but his claws dug deep and curled into the soil. Everyone present knew that this would not be a friendly wrestling match; it was a battle for territory and power.

The great Viking chief threw his fiercest battle glare (was it Hiccup or did he spy a spark of mischief in them?) at the dragon and, to Hiccup's surprise and relief, tossed aside the axe. This small comfort was short-lived however, and the next few minutes would torture Hiccup in his dreams and every waking moment.

He heard the clinking of metal as his father first undid his belt with his sausage-like fingers, and then the chain mail, letting it fall from his waist. He bent down slightly, pulled the long tunic up from his knees, fumbled with some knots on his pants and, with the air that a pubescent boy and his dragon were not watching, relieved himself on the spot.

Hello jaw, meet the ground. I hear you are serving tea and crumpets today? That would be swell, since my poor vegetables seemed to have become inedible.

A shadow fell over Hiccup as Toothless rose on his hind legs and let loose a deafening shriek at the challenge. For the second time Hiccup threw himself between Toothless and his father, using his body as a shield as he attempted to calm the raging dragon. He wondered how long it would be before his body—a feeble excuse for flesh and bones, really—was finally ripped to shreds from trying to prevent fights between these two.

When the stream finally slowed to a trickle and then stopped, Stoick re-buckled his pants and turned to face the dragon. "This is my house and my village," he said over Toothless's roars, beating aside a wing with a meaty hand. "You will learn to respect the people and the dragons here. And if you can't follow our rules, I'll make sure to beat you at your own."

Toothless gave a feral hiss and before Hiccup could stop him, side-stepped deftly around the boy and smashed his lithe tail into the Viking chief's chest, forcing air our of his lungs and nearly knocking him over.

"Toothless, NO!" Hiccup grabbed his hair in frustration as Toothless gave what could be interpreted as a dragon laugh. "Why are you two being so difficult today? Or every day for that matter? I wish that you would all—I could just—_kill_ something right now—"

Stoick spat blood into the ground and glared daggers at the chuckling dragon, who was rolling on his back in glee. "I can see that it's going to take a lot more to convince this devil. Son," he said, turning to the boy, who was still ranting to himself and pulling fistfuls of his hair, "I want you to pee right here."

"—and when I get a hold of that axe I'll—what?" he sputtered, looking positively scandalized. His mouth opened and closed soundlessly like a fish as he processed his father's words. "You want me to—"

"You know the beast will only fully cooperate when you do it. Now."

"As in right n-now? In front of you? Because I went earlier and I really don't need to go...right...now..." His protest died down under his father's withering glare. While Hiccup would never admit it, the whole affair was making the tension in his bladder twist uncomfortably to almost breaking point, but he would sooner jump into the jaws of a ravenous Nightmare than pee on command in front of his father. He felt Toothless's head slide under his arm and emit a low growl. How temptingly easy it was to just hop on the saddle and fly away—

Hiccup felt his father's heavy hand clamp down on his shoulder, effectively grounding him. He groaned and glanced between the two, his father on one side and his dragon on the other like shoulder angels, and wondered whose ire it was safer to incite. A defeated sigh finally escaped his lips.

"Yes, dad."

He gazed sadly at his poor urine-drenched vegetables, ignoring Toothless's angry cries. Was it him or did they already look wilted?

Might as well get it over with. With trembling fingers and a few fumbles he finally undid the knots on his pants and exposed himself to the cold air. For a brief moment he relished the feeling of the island breeze between his legs—man, it felt so good to let his inhibitions drop—but then the barriers were up again when he felt the combined glares of Toothless and his father. He squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to think of the audience staring at _it,_ and concentrated on trying to summon as much water as he could.

Nothing happened. The breeze tickled him in encouragement, but nothing beyond an embarrassed whimper came from Hiccup. He shifted back and forth on his legs, trying to get some feeling in and remove the stiffness from his knees, but he really couldn't force that nervous pit in his stomach to come out and it felt like his face was roasting in it's own heat from embarrassment and if they didn't stop staring at him soon he was going to be driven to hysterics and possibly throw himself off a cliff—

"Hiccup?" said a female voice, and Hiccup's eyes snapped open. To his combined delight and horror he saw the slender figure of a goddess walking towards him, her hips swaying in the most sensuous movement, her golden hair a halo to her ethereal features.

He started at her sudden appearance and felt something warm and wet coming from between his legs. The goddess's face molded into a perfect expression of surprise.

Hiccup almost died. How incredibly stupid he must look, pissing on his own vegetable patch.

Everyone has their own idiosyncrasies and strange quirks of the body, and unfortunately for the boy two of them had to work together at the worst moment. The first—once he started urinating, he couldn't voluntarily stop until his bladder was completely empty. The second—when he was in complete shock he would collapse into a pathetic, hyperventilating heap.

Hiccup's body crumpled like a rag doll, his face meeting the soiled vegetables with a sickening splat. He became alarmed at the sensation of warm liquid pooling around his body, but the sudden assault of urine and onions and tears to his eyes and nose quickly overwhelmed him, burning him in a way that the Green Death's fire never could. He relished the pain on his senses, hoping it would sear the experience from his memory. He must have blacked out for a moment because the next thing he knew he was on his back, the worried faces of Astrid, Toothless, and his father hovering over him.

"Hiccup? Hiccup, are you okay?" Astrid said, thumping his chest in effort to rouse him into consciousness. He blinked confusedly at her, then sat up quickly and sucked in heaving breaths of fresh, clean air. Realizing that he was still partially unclothed, he quickly belted his pants (trying to ignore that he felt very wet in the general lower area of his body), cursing and crying mentally to all the Norse gods. After this, Astrid was definitely never going to want to kiss him again.

Toothless gave a concerned purr and with a delicate flick of the end of his tail brushed the dirt off the boy's face. Hiccup ignored the gesture, refusing to look at Toothless or his father. After the humiliation he was subjected to, he wasn't sure if he could lay his eyes at their faces ever again. He turned pleadingly to Astrid, but she looked away as his father addressed her.

"Eh-hem, so what brings you here, lassie?"

Astrid pushed herself from her knees and unstrapped a water skin from her back. Her head bobbed nervously, trying to keep her head low so her bangs concealed her furious blush while attempting not to look meek at the same time.

"It's a sample of my mother's mead for the winter feast," she said. "She wanted to know if you approved." Stoick took the proffered water skin and untwisted the cover, then tilted the skin and took a drink. He smacked his lips in approval, but Hiccup almost gagged at the the trickling, amber liquid, the sight of it strongly reminding him of urine. Astrid made a similar grimaced expression.

"Tell your mother that it's excellent as always."

He handed the skin back to her, but she made no move to leave, her maternal instincts tugging at her heartstrings. Chief Stoick and Toothless obviously did not know how to take care of the poor boy.

"Um, Chief Stoick, may I take Hiccup with me? He owes me a date."

Toothless gave a bereft whine; he wasn't allowed on their dates, as Hiccup insisted that the couple be left to their privacy. Stoick nodded, unsure what else to do with the soiled and muddied teen. "Go on ahead. A man needs to learn to pay all of his debts."

Hiccup was still sitting on the ground, but attempted to discreetly crawl away when he heard her request for a date. He was in desperate need for a change of clothes and didn't feel like discussing his...thing, and he knew that she would be extra persistent (read "extra violent") in getting the full story out of him, no doubt she would share it with Ruffnut as well. It was only a matter of time before the whole village knew. He didn't get very far on his knees, however, as Astrid pulled him up, easily lifting him at arm's length as one would do with a dirty rag. Hiccup flinched at her tight grip, but saw that her face had softened into an expression of sympathy.

"Let's get you cleaned up first," she said as she gave him a once-over. "How about we take a swim at the beach?"

"Astrid, it's almost winter—the water is going to be _freezing,"_ he said, trying to wriggle out of her vice grip.

"Exactly. You have some toughening up to do."

Stoick and Toothless watched as the girl looped her arm—almost possessively—around Hiccup's own and dragged the protesting boy away, leaving the two feuding males to wallow in their stink and testosterone. It seemed like the female won this round, but they were good at cleaning up men's mess anyway.

Stoick clasped his hands sheepishly, guilty for having embarrassed his son so thoroughly in front of his girlfriend. He glanced at the sulking dragon, feeling he could risk it even without Hiccup's presence.

"Well, technically he still did pee here."

* * *

A/N: Yes, I often fear for my sanity as well. I hope I haven't put off anyone's appetite, and I would appreciate it if you left a review!


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